Why I Won't Be Watching X-Factor in 2009

I admit, this post has been a long time coming.

I'm not the nicest person in the world - I admit that. I watch Britain's Next Top Model and listen to the girls worry about their weight while eating ice-cream. I usually watch the X-Factor auditions just for the bad ones.

However, in 2008 the X-Factor crossed a line. It came out that the auditionees, both good and bad, go through several interviews before getting near the cameras. And, with the bad ones, it is Cowell's own team that are telling them that they're good, that they're bound to get through, before Cowell, his lapdog Louis and that-bitch-Cheryl-Cole tear them down (I won't say Dannii doesn't (or didn't) join in, but they seem to have turned on her recently).

See, when it's the person's own arrogance that is causing them to be turned down, and it's an overbearing, unpleasant ego being taken down a peg, that's one thing. But when it's a young teenage girl - and honestly, we all have those dreams - whose been massaged through those auditions merely to face public humiliation, or an old grandfather being made fun of for being on the wrong show, then it's not the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when one could believe the contestants had it coming, that was one thing - but when the producers of the show has purposefully engineered their public humiliation, based upon their own hope - that's pretty damn low. That's how con artists work, preying on those with dreams in order to take their money - only, on the X-Factor, it's pride and dignity that's taken, and exchanged for ratings.

In 2007, Rachel (from Wales) did seem to be a very unpleasant girl. She was arrogant, conceited, and generally, yes, it was a pleasure to see her taken down a peg and cast as a witch. But, contrast that with Ariel Burdett in 2008.

Ariel, a holistic vocal coach, has a degree based around music and singing. The peice she performed was a four line composition, with each line in a different style - from pop, to jazz, to metal to stage musical.

In both cases, Cowell claimed that they couldn't sing. This was untrue. What he meant was that he didn't like them, and didn't want them going through - both were perfectly passable singers with pleasant voices. Cowell's criticisms have gone from being cruel to be kind, to being cruel to be a bitch.

In Ariel's case, she was cast as the witch because she liked metal and alternative music. Yes, she came across as slightly arrogant when it seemed she was actually going for confident and in control of the situation (on the advice of the x-factor employees she'd met before the actual televised bit). Still, she had a very powerful voice, and knew how to use it skilfully.

The X-Factor judges claimed that they'd never heard of Bullet For My Valentine - and these people claim to work in the music industry? Cowell also appeared to have a low opinion of holistic vocal coaching.

Holistic teaching involves tuning into the person's mind, body and energy - in other words, making sure they're thinking about what they're singing, using their body well, and that they're, for want of a better word, pacing themselves properly (yes, this is a very simplified version). All of those are things that Cowell has criticised auditionees for not doing well.

Ariel's audition was heavily edited - like all of them - and she was generally abused by the panel. Even on the edited version, the bouncer seemed to be following her merely to make her look like someone who needed to be escorted off the premises.

Across the internet, there seem to be two main views on Ariel - the reasonable one, who watched the clip and thought about it, and the "omg, scary metal roary witch" version that started on the X-Factor.

Basically, I'm going to be boycotting the x-factor this year because it's become a circus of human cruelty, carefully planned and staged by those who work on the show. It's dishonest, and it's cruel, and that isn't entertainment - it's closer to brainwashing.

The changes of judges over recent years hasn't helped either. Louis has always been Cowell's pet, but in Cheryl Cole, he seems to have found a very powerful ally. Both skilfully play their parts in humiliating the contestants. Cowell by being the big-I-am, and that-bitch-Cheryl-Cole by pretending to be stupidly honest, rather than just an out-and-out bitch.

I'd wonder how they sleep at night, but of course, we all already know. On a big pile of money.

That was a great line to finish on, but I do have a little more to add. One thing that everyone has lost sight of is the fact that the X-Factor is essentially a job interview. And to those who claim that this is their one big chance, and that they need it...please, don't humiliate yourselves more than the judges already have. If you're really serious, then there's a secret to success.

Want to hear it?

Go out and buy a copy of The Stage. You probably won't find it in every newsagent. Maybe you'll need to go to one of the larger branches of WHSmith, or even subscribe to it online. Or just check the listings there.

The Stage lists many, many auditions that are being held for new recording artists, among others. If you are really, really serious, then the X-Factor is not your only chance. Yes, you will get a head start, since most of the country will know your name before your first record is ever recorded, but it is not the only way. If you wanted it that badly, you'd be attending all the auditions possible, not just the one that gets you on TV. Not just the easy one. And yes, for all its faults, the X-Factor is one of the easier routes to fame.

If you wanted it that badly, you'd go to as many auditions as you qualified for. Or you'd record your own demo CDs, and pester studios until they listened to them. If you wanted it, you'd work for it - and getting on your knees for Simon Cowell isn't the only option you should consider.

Finally - and this really is finally - I'd like to end with a quote from Jimmy Carr.

"I heard that Simon Cowell spends over £500k on his personal security every year.

Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a cunt?"

Two Pints of Lager - Spilt

Warning: This Post Contains Spoilers For Season Seven of Two Pints of Lager and a Packet Of Crisps

"Jumping the Shark" refers to the point where a series is so past its best-by date that it's started to rot.

It comes from Happy Days, where they became so desperate to keep the series fresh and exciting that they had the Fonz jump over a great white shark on water skis, and this has since become iconic of the point of utter desperation.

It probably seemed like a good idea to have season seven of Two Pints begin with Johnny literally jumping the shark off-screen. It was quite funny - ironic, tongue-in-cheek, and with at least one person saying "eeeeeeey".

However, the series actually jumped the shark by killing off Johnny, played by Ralf Little. Off-screen too.

It's understandable that actors want to move on, and have other commitments - but couldn't they have just done one last series, to round everything off? Johnny's death is incredibly sudden, with no build up whatsoever for his trip to Hawaii (to jump the shark, in both senses).

Another thing I hate about season seven is Gaz's love affair with Janet.

It seems that every male in the series has been waiting for Janet to become single, in order to move in on her. Janet now, essentially, seems to be the main girl of the series with Donna and Louise as her backing singers - and that's unfortunate, because I always liked her least.

As far as I'm concerned, season seven of Two Pints is not canon - except for Louse's pregnancy. That's interesting, and another indication that the series is winding down. Friends did the same, having all the characters grow up and move on before leaving them to it. However, Friends managed at least some semblance of natural growth - rather than simply tacking on a highly unlikely happy ending for everyone concerned. It's unbelievable, sappy, crude, and frankly, a complete sell out and betrayal of the shows fans and the characters.

I'm quite hurt.:(