Beca is the new leader of the group. And there's a new girl - a woman of colour! Perhap she'll be an interesting, fully-rounded character. Oh no, she's a wacky, slightly racist, stereotype (as in, her portrayal is racist, not that the character is racist).
This happens when Fat Amy's trousers split while she's hanging in mid air. All discussion is of how disgusting fat women's genitals are, and how heinous and disgusting the Bellas are for exposing people to this. No discussion of how Fat Amy feels about this though we do see her apologise publicly. No believes the incident was purposeful as a publicity stunt; everyone knows it's an accident yet they still feel Fat Amy and the Bellas deserve to be punished for exposing the world to a fat woman's genitalia. They're called tramps, and banned from performing or holding auditions.
Another new girl appears; a freshman just starting college, with a clingy, ex-Bella mother. We learn she writes songs. Gosh, a new girl with a musical hobby, where have we seen that before?
The Bellas realise they've not been prevented from performing at the World Acapella Competition. So it's kind of like how, in the last movie, they were on top before the embarrassing vomiting incident and needed to regain their composure and singing ability. Only this time, no one's left and no one has stage fright so bad they throw up. They're still working at championship level, they just need to change the choreography for one specific song. No one seems to realise this; the governing committee laughs at the idea that they might win and agree to reinstate them if they do.
We get our first and only performance from the Treblemakers. It's quite a slut-shaming song, which I'd let pass if the rest of the film wasn't so godawfully crap.
The Bellas are all freaking out about this huge challenge, huger than any they've ever faced. They must focus and train! That's totally not what happened in the first movie. Beca is less interested; she's starting an internship as a producer. Totally dissimilar to the first movie. Oh wait.
Jesse, Beca's boyfriend, meets the new girl, who confesses to her one and only dream of being a Bella. Kind of like how much Benji wanted to join the Treblemakers. Benji's here too; he hits on the new girl.
The Bella's are now sharing a house, like a little sorority; a sorapella, if you will. They find that their biggest opponents are a German group, who took over the tour they weren't allowed to play.
Beca's actually starting her internship now, and feeling guilty about not being 100% Bella, especially after Chloe has purposefully flunked three years in a row so she doesn't have to graduate. Beca's immediately pulled into a meeting with her new boss, who is so depressed at the incompetence around him. I'm sure Beca won't magically do something to impress him and restore his faith in his staff. He announces that they're making a Christmas album with Snoop Dogg. Is he still doing stuff?
Bossguy needs a new and unique idea for Snoop Dogg's album, so it's not like every other Christmas album in the world. Bossguy is actually the best character; most reasonable and original in the whole movie, you'll see. Beca is too nervous to offer up her mixing skills, which no one else has ever thought of before, despite an explicit invitation to do so.
New girl has sought out the Bella's, since they weren't at the auditions she attended. Fat Amy says they're not allowed to take anyone new, which I don't think is actually the case. They were told not to hold auditions, not to avoid taking someone new if they show up on the doorway with terrible eyebrows and beg.
New girl is Emily Junk. Very fitting. Her mother was the 'top bitch' of a previous generation of Bella's. Chloe decides that if a legacy wants to audition they have to let her, and I'm positive that isn't in their suspension rules either. If they can just make this shit up as they go along then why are they pretending it's such a big deal?
Junk would like to perform an original song, after telling Fat Amy she has a lovely vagina. The song is completely shit, but everyone pretends it's amazing. Contrast this film to Music & Lyrics; if people are going to pretend a song is a hit it has to be a good song. Here's Pop! Goes My Heart.
The movie hinged on us believing that song was a hit, and we do. This movie hinges on us believing that fat women are disgusting, racist stereotypes are funny, and that Junk's flashlight song - with the same tune as Titanium - is better than something a six-year-old could write. We don't. I'm not embedding it; the bits that are original are shit and the bits that aren't shit aren't original. It's not even a stylistic suck; everyone in the movie acts like it's amazing.
Chloe finally realises that the rules prohibit auditions, not accepting new members. Fat Amy repeatedly points out the silliness of the TV convention of pretending that a person in the same room can't hear you if they're not in shot. Nice try.
They vote by singing specific notes and head out to a party with their new Bella. It's an Acapella only party. That certainly didn't happen in the last movie.
We learn that Beca is neither with Jesse nor the Bellas, and Benji awkwardly flirts with Junk. He is not put off by her terrible eyebrows or poor songwriting skills. In fairness he hasn't seen the latter yet.
Bumper shows up as a new campus security member. Fat Amy awkwardly flirts with him. She really can do better than a guy who constantly insults who, and who assaulted her with a sandwich in the last movie.
Bumper has entered American Idol or America's Got Talent or whatever. Considering he was a backup singer for John Mayer you'd think he'd know how to attend a normal audition rather than relying on reality TV.
Now we get a random scene of everyone dancing to a song which isn't acapella. This is not what I signed up for.
The Bellas go to watch their competitors perform. They sing in German accents which is odd because in my experience, Germans sing in Cockney accents.
Das Sound Machine sing a song which showcases them as robotic and technically excellent. I'm sure the Bellas will beat them down with creativity and heart, wrapped in a fucking awful song.
The Germans are mean and bitchy, which is disappointing. They have no reason to hate the Bellas more than any other group. It would have been interesting if they'd been interested in winning, but totally bemused at this hate-filled rivalry from the Bellas. Rather than being, y'know, villians. Have we not got over Germans as acceptable movie villians yet?
Beca is so attracted to the female lead of Das Sound Machine that whenever she tries to engage in an argument she ends up blurting out compliments instead of insults. This is actually quite funny. More of that, less scene-by-scene remakes of the first movie with crap original songs please.
Fat Amy steps up to trade insults with the male lead of Das Sound Machine. They have much more chemistry than she does with Bumper, and he has yet to throw food at her. She could still do better than someone who regularly insults her.
We go straight to the Bella's rehearsal, where Beca has stepped in to Aubrey's role as we prepare for a training montage. Though when the training starts, Beca's on her computer while Chloe actually does the training. Junk approaches Beca for advice, but she has somewhere she needs to be. She needs to go liven up Snoop Dogg's rendition of Walking in a Winter Wonderland by singing Here Comes Santa Claus over it. Genius. She doesn't tell them what she's going to do, she just asks the producer to have Snoop sing it again exactly the same way. Somehow, he goes for it, seemingly in a fit of despair.
Bossguy is impressed! Beca did good! Bossguy offers to listen to some of her work, since she has succeeded in adding value to a project. He's a good bossguy.
Back at the Bella Soropella the other Bellas are having a slow-motion pillow fight. They've been invited to sing at a midnight party. I'm sure this won't be at all like a scene in the last movie. I have hope. They go to a strange guy's house; he takes them down to a basement where a sing-off is happening. My mistake, it's a shot by shot remake of the sing-off in the last movie. Bumper's joined the old guy's acapella group; Donald Faison wisely declined to reprise his role, so they've replaced him with another black guy and hoped we wouldn't notice. They stuck lots of hair on to disguise him
Benji ruins the Treblemakers number through being distracted by Junk's eyebrows. Junk tries to sing her original song as a 90s hip-hop jam because she's just so proud of having written a godawfully crap song, and is clearly a bit dim. She's got a real Dunning-Kruger thing going on. Creepy guy hates her and calls her embarassing and unprofessional. Most reasonable moment in the film, apart from Bossguy. Beca learns that Junk is a song-writer, and is impressed!
Bossguy is disappointed that Beca gave him more mash-ups. He knows she can do mash-ups. Lots of people can do mash-ups. He wanted something original.
Beca goes home where she tries to do something original and Fat Amy reveals they all know about the internship and tries to cheer her up. Then Fat Amy sneaks off to a date with Bumper, who proposes that they date. At least he's being less of a dick now. She turns him down anyway and they break up.
The Bellas are on their way to perform at an old folk's home, which is totally dissimilar to the performance they gave in the first movie where they were sent away without being paid.
Statler and Woldorf have another little chat about disgusting women's genitalia is before watching the Bellas perform, something they explicitly told them not to do at the start of the movie. They sing Natalia Kills 'Problem', which was much better used in We're the Millers. The Bellas are accused of "not knowing who they are any more" due to the use of props and fireworks, culminating in an accident where Cynthia Rose is set on fire. Judging by their performances so far in this movie, that seems like exactly who they are. Chloe decides they must go on a retreat to get their groove back.
Junk has a chat with her mother, expressing her disappointment over her Bellas career so far. Well fuck you, who is else is going to listen to your shitty songs? We get some foreshadowing for the ending. Benjo and Junk have a horribly forced moment.
Aubrey's running the retreat, so this is really just a weekend away for her and Chloe. Aubrey's upset that the Bellas have lost their harmony (again). We get another reiteration of how big this world competition is for them.
There's quite a cute scene where the Bellas are forced to share a tent, with their heads all together in a row along the middle. Chloe and Beca share a les-yay moment, Lily licks Beca's nose - in what is the single best moment of the movie - and Cynthia Rose fondles The Hunter. They have a little singsong, not at all reminiscent of Party in the USA on the coach.
We're treated to a montage of the Bellas training and singing. It's rather good; we get snatches of The Boogy Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B, and Mmmmbop, before Beca throws a hissy fit about them singing songs that would never go in their set, and how they have to get back to their roots. Isn't that exactly what you broke them out of in the last movie, Beca, singing the same old songs over and over?
Aubrey calmly explains that this is just an exercise to try new things, and Beca doubles-down on her fit so they can all have a row about her producing internship. Beca becomes defensive, despite the fact that not one person has criticised her for doing something as well as being a Bella. Why would they? They all have classes. Chloe might be a bit obsessed but she's not totally unreasonable. Beca claims no one else is focused on the future, which begs the question of how she would know? It's not like she's been talking to anyone else.
Beca is forcefully prevented from leaving by the appearance of a net which scoops her into the air. Good job Aubrey.
Beca is apparently in oh-so-deadly peril, despite being able to fall out of the trap quite safely, which she does a few minutes later. Junk and Beca bond because Beca is "so good". What is Junk basing this on? Beca asks her to collaborate on something, and Junk is overjoyed.
The Bellas all reveal that they have, in fact, been planning for the future and Beca is just too self-obsessed and arrogant to have noticed. Then they bond by singing Beca's cup song from the first movie, because this film isn't quite derivative enough. This magically means they have found their sound. Fat Amy also realises she's in love with Bumper, out of nowhere. She goes off to serenade him, while he rejects her like the dick he was in the first movie.
It's the one music number in the movie which isn't ridiculously overproduced. To illustrate the crapness of their relationship, perhaps? Bumper has a sudden change of heart, for no apparent reason.
Beca and Junk are now producing Junk's shitty song. We are forced to listen to the final product. It is shitty.
Bossguy is impressed, which kind of makes sense if you ignore how utterly crap the song is. Beca has gone away, found an original artist and produced something, which is what he was encouraging her to do. It's the Music & Lyrics problem though; this entire plot hinges on the song being believably good, and it's not.
The Bellas graduate and head to Copenhagen for the contest; that was sudden. We get a quick walking-in-Copenhagen shot and a hint that the Bellas are planning something new before we go back to Statler and Waldorf for racist jokes. In the first movie, Statler was offensive and Waldorf offered a voice of reason; now they're both just offensive, which sends the message that the film's makers really believe this stuff.
Benji and Junk do more awkward flirting. The other groups all sing the exact same song, because a medly of different songs or a mash-up would be totally out of the question for this movie. We just get a single song montage, with a quick shot of DSM chanting in a way which is totally harmonious. I think they deserve to win; they work a lot harder than the Bellas do, and the female lead - whose swear smells like cinnamon, according to Beca - speaks seven languages. Completely understandable to sing in a strong accent then.
Statler proclaims that if the Bellas of old show up, they have a decent chance to win. That doesn't seem totally implausible, considering the only difference between the old Bellas and the new Bellas is two stage accidents and the addition of Junk. Just tone down the choreograph and lose the loser. Main conflict of the film solved.
They start with a clapping game, which is essentially just a variation on the cups thing. I will curse them. They're singing Girls! (Run the World), which is probably the lamest, most unoriginal symbolism I've seen since the antagonists sang a song about dominating their competition, about three minutes ago.
We get a mash up of the songs we've already seen performed throughout the movie. And then fucking flashlight.
I think the main reason Flashlight fails as a song is because the basic imagery doesn't work. "My flashlight/getting me through the night". Who sits up all night holding a flashlight? Why would you do that? Even if you're having an emotionally tense night why would a flashlight help? Are you a child? Because if you are a night-light is more typical. They're going for a 'light in the darkness' theme, but you'd only really use a flashlight for that if you were being chased by wolves in the middle of a forest. It completely fails as a metaphor.
Most songs also build upon three 'wham' lines, or small reveals, or three movements through time, etc. The song goes somewhere. This song doesn't build; we're given the information that the singer is scared of the dark, but someone else helps her cope with it, right at the beginning, and then nothing; just iterations on a theme. Also, the lyrics are stupid; even with a decent build and metaphor, you still need to have a gift with words, or at least be able to express a coherent idea. Look at this;
Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes
Can't lie, it's a sweet life
Stuck in the dark but you're my flashlight
You're getting me, getting me, through the night
Is he the flashlight, or is he holding the flashlight and shining it in her eyes? How does that help with her fear of the dark? Why on earth is being stuck in the dark 'a sweet life'? And, again, who uses a flashlight to get themselves through the night? For god's sake, the actress playing Cynthia Rose Is Ester Dean! From wikipedia; "Dean has also co-written songs for many artists including Christina Aguilera, Katy Perry, Beyoncé, Priyanka Chopra, Mary J. Blige, Nicki Minaj, Kelly Clarkson, Ciara, The Pussycat Dolls, Usher, Kelly Rowland, Girlicious, Keri Hilson, Rihanna, R. Kelly, Britney Spears, Melody Thornton, Vanessa White, Kevin McHale, Selena Gomez, G.R.L., Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, Little Mix, Pia Toscano, Tinie Tempah, Lil Wayne, Machine Gun Kelly and Eurovision Song Contest 2012 winner Loreen." It's not like she couldn't have written a better song during a ten minute tea break; why not ask her?
The Bellas are joined on stage by former Bellas, purely to get Aubrey and Katy Segal to sing. They get a standing ovation, because everyone in the audience is completely high and struggling with Dunning-Kruger. Statler and Waldorf are impressed, because they're not experienced musicians and judges themselves. Statler gets in a bit more slut-shaming as we pan out.
Junk is rewarded by getting the hazing ceremony she wanted. Is this movie not over yet? We get the credits and a long scene of Bumper performing at American Idol or America's Got Talent or American Voice or whatever the fuck it is.
And it's fucking over! At least until Pitch Perfect 3 is released in 2017.
