Bitching About Witching: Charmed S1E3

They're going to a party, presumably with friends we've never seen before.  Prue and Piper want to do a quick meet and greet while Phoebe wants to party all night.  A dog with glowing eyes watches them.

They arrive at the party and some dork - Marshall - greets them as "the sisters Haliwell".  I feel like this dork is a voice actor.  Maybe for Kermit.

Piper and Phoebe reveal that they only wanted Prue to come to the party because Andy is also invited.    Still no word on how they know Marshalldork, though they did apparently know the previous owners.

Prue does sneak off home when Andy is distracted by a guy asking about parking tickets.  The dog is in the foyer!  Dramatic!  Prue runs away.

Ooh, Brian Krause is in this one!

Prue blames Phoebe for leaving the door open, as you do.  Phoebe retaliates by locking Prue outside the kitchen and Prue demands that she open it, apparently forgetting that she can psychically manipulate locks.

Apparently Prue figured it out because now she's at work.  A mysterious stranger is asking her about a ring which she quickly recognises as a wedding ring, thereby realising that this mysterious stranger is her long-lost father.  Drama!  She throws him out.

Piper and Phoebe argue that while Prue got a chance to know their dad as a child, they were both too young.  Phoebe later sneaks out to find him.  He doesn't recognise her, guessing that she's Piper first.  Bad dad.

They hug and Phoebe has a vision of handing the Book of Shadows over to him.  Drama!  She runs away.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, a spooky mailman turns his finger into a key and lets himself into the house to steal the Book of Shadows.  Again, why not search for it before now, in the ancestral home of its owners?  Possibly because Grams was alive until recently?  Perhaps there was only a small window of opportunity.

The mailman succeeds in getting the book to the door but it won't let itself be carried outside.

Mailman is interrupted by Prue coming home so morphs into Andy.  Prue tells 'Andy' that she'd rather go to a football game with him than dinner with her dad, which would be sweet if she hadn't just told him how little she thinks of her father.

The sister's find the book downstairs, and have the good sense to realise that this means someone tried to take the book and that their dad's sudden arrival is suspicious.  This is a poor episode for snarking.  Phoebe has a flashback to the vision which is not a vision in it's own right so I'm not doing the reverse crunches.

...all right, fine.

Prue finally reveals that Andy was mysteriously in the house alone right before they discovered that someone had tried to take the book.  For some reason, he is above suspicion as far as Prue is concerned.

Prue decides that they need to hide the book and that she is not going to dinner with her father.  Both fair decisions.

Andy stops by with, mysteriously, no memory of seeing Prue that afternoon.  She dismisses it as him being awkward.  Reminiscing with Andy reminds her of how much she wants to tell her dad off, so she decides to storm away from Andy and into the dinner.  Drama!

Prue asks why their dad didn't help out when Grams died, so I guess there was actually a big enough gap for demonic shenanigans which only one demon took advantage of.  Piper gets so upset that she freezes everyone and I have to do a 30 second plank.

Piper takes advantage of the freeze to rescue a Flambe, and as he unfreezes their father, Victor, reveals that he knows all about their powers.  Drama!

Do you think he's been waiting this whole time for an object or Piper herself to move impossibly fast so he can call them out?

We cut to Piper and Phoebe reading at home, which seems a bit sudden until it turns out they're not Piper and Phoebe, they're more shapeshifters.  Mailman guy comes to tell them off for being stupid enough to assume they could trick Prue into thinking they were her real sisters.

Plan B: morph into David Bowie with fangs and kill them!

Bowieshifter wants to pounce on the sisters and eat them right at the door, but her Mailman persuades her not to and the Charmed ones walk in to a house full of birds instead.

A little later, Prue is refusing to join in with Victor's reminiscing.  Phoebe is in favour of discussing anything and everything with Victor, including the Book of Shadows.

Bowieshifter is still in favour of just pouncing, but Mailman explains the details of their plan; they want to get the book so they are empowered by it and the sisters are weakened by its loss.  Not an awful plot.  They also mention that they still have Victor.  Drama!

Back at the ranch Prue confronts Victor and he admits that he does want the book, so they don't have to be witches.  Phoebe insists that it's part of who they are, which is not what she and Piper are going to be saying in a few seasons (Prue, of course, will not be saying anything).

Victor insists that Grams used a spell to send him away and make him stay away.  He appeals to Phoebe's soft side, but Prue psychically throws him across the room.  I thought she was aiming for the front door, to throw him out; maybe she missed.

In Victor's hotel room, Mailman and friends are threatening to tear him limb from limb.  Victor himself raises an excellent point - why don't they just shapeshift into him and get on with it themselves?  He claims that he can still reach Phoebe and only her real father will know exactly what to say to reach her.  Clearly bullshit, since he didn't even know which sister she was and left before they could have any sort of relationship.  Maybe she's the most like her mother, in personality?

Back at the ranch, Phoebe is finally confessing her premonition about Victor stealing the book, though as I recall she was handing it to him.

Piper finds their father's ring on the floor.  I suspect it's cursed, but they're new to this so I'll let it pass.  Phoebe kindly offers the word 'fell' when Prue refers to shoving him across the room, which is a nice moment between them.

Victor confronts Phoebe and accidentally gives her another vision.  Actually, it's the same one but with a bit more - now Victor shapeshifts into Mailman at the end.

Oh, it turns out Mailman was Marshalldork the whole time.  That's me not paying attention.  They're the Halliwell's new neighbours!  That's what the party was about at the beginning.

Phoebe runs into the house to share this new info with her sisters.  Victor follows her, so she runs upstairs to find an expelling charm.  When she gets back downstairs, suddenly there are two identical Victors!  Drama!

In a bit of a Soloman gambit, one of their Victors says they should kill both of them.  Clearly this is their real father, so Prue moves the ring - which is apparently a Protection Ring - over to that one.  Bowieshifter makes another appearance as Phoebe begins the charm.

It's really weird that this prewritten spell mentions the sisters three.  Did Grams write them a couple of all purpose spells?

I'm counting this as a power of three spell, so that's 10 bicycle crunches and three 30 second wall sits.  Bloody hell.

Victor decides he doesn't want the book any more because clearly they can actually protect themselves.  Nothing to do with the demons disappearing then?

Three minutes left in the episode and while the sisters are digesting events Brian Krause - Leo - finally shows up.  They send him upstairs alone, clearly having learned nothing, while Prue reveals that their dad isn't coming but has left them a video of their childhood selves, and himself with ridiculous 70s sideburns.

I wonder who filmed this?  Grams?

Bitching About Witching: Charmed S1E2

So Piper got the job but has now been left in charge and is doubting her own abilities.  Phoebe has a vision that a guy is about to come over; most pointless vision ever.

Piper's friend - who we have never heard of before she popped up in the bar a minute ago - is being murdered in the carpark.  Well that was short-lived.

We rapidly head over to Prue who is leaving a naked Andy in bed.  Shame really.

The credits are still wrong.

Piper's watching a documentary about the Salem Witch trials.  Well, that's original.  The Sabrina Salem episode was pretty good.

Both Phoebe and Prue got laid last night.  This is worthy of sisterly teasing, and worry over whether one night stands will put them in danger from warlocks.

I've decided to do a TV workout to this episode.  I can only find one for series 2 and one for later episodes, so here's a version of the latter adjusted for season 1;

...and since Prue has moved something, Phoebe has had the most pointless vision ever, and Piper warned Phoebe about personal gain from said stupid vision, I have some work to do.  Oh, and an innocent died.  Brb.

Okay, done.  Now back to our scheduled viewing!

Piper's talking to a priest about being able to walk into a church.  Because of course all Americans are Christians.  Spoiler, later on she walks into the church safely.  Because being evil is about what you choose to do, not what you're born with.

Prue and Andy are now having a chat about their sex life while Prue is in a crowded lift, already running late.  Great timing, Andy.  The guys in the lift laugh at Prue, so she uses her powers to prevent the lift stopping at any other floors so I need to do another ten push ups.

How is she doing that?  I guess holding the door closed would force it to just keep moving up but surely there'd be a moment while the lift tried to open the door at each floor?  Is she doing something to the wiring?  How does Prue know how to do that?

Phoebe gets hit on by a photographer and Piper begs her to help with a delivery.

Prue is being interviewed for a job she didn't apply for and for which they are eager to hire her despite an insulting reference from that dick Roger.  This isn't suspicious at all.  Isn't it a good thing that demons only try to get close to witches by sleeping with them?  The boss is British and Hugh Grant-y; must be evil, all the British are (I am British).

Behind a jump cut Stefan the photographer reveals that he is a demon named Jonah (though I swear he pronounces it 'Javnah') and sucks the youth right out of some poor B-movie horror actress.  Then he morphs back into his Stefan form just in case we missed it.

Again what is the mechanism here?  Can he only use the powers while in his 'ugly aged demon' form?  Does he simply lose his youth very rapidly, aging fifty years over 3-4 hours?  Perhaps we'll find out later.  Both sound inconvenient.

Back with Douche Grant Prue has decided she is, in fact, going to go for the job.

Piper and Phoebe are discussing Prue's sex life again.  Piper has never slept with anyone on the first date and is shocked that Phoebe has.  Has she met Phoebe?

Piper has another chat with the priest.  I'd forgotten how nervy she was before she became the eldest.

For gods sake Piper, think it through.  If Christianity burned witches why would Grams have sent you to Sunday school?  Was she weirdly absent from church herself during that time and you somehow didn't notice for years?

The priest recites the verse from Exodus about not suffering a witch to live.  I bet he doesn't eat shellfish or mix fabrics either.

Phoebe has another vision, this time about winning lottery numbers.  She tells them to an old couple who've just told her they're going to lose their house if they don't win - perhaps they hang around that stand all the time hoping for a kind young psychic to come along?  Phoebe buys a lottery ticket for herself too; I sense another five lunges in my future.

Oh it turns out the innnocent from the beginning didn't die.  I'm going to count it anyway, which I guess means I now have to do another thirty jumping jacks for the second victim.  Stefan/Jonah, Javnah is hungry; he's up to a victim a day at this point.  How has he not been caught; is it exponential ageing he's going through and we're now in the danger zone?

Andy decides to leave a stake out to follow Prue into Quake (the restaurant Piper is now unwillingly running).

Stefan is getting visibly older while on his date with Phoebe.  Why aren't her visions warning her about that?  Prue gives Pheobe her ticking off about personal gain right before Andy barges in to talk to her and Piper freezes everyone. Cool, a new exercise for me.  They learn that freezing doesn't work on witches and only works on the room Piper's in.  Useful!

Daryl is coming in to drag Andy back to his stake out.  Prue fails at distracting him but luckily everyone unfreezes as soon as he walks in.

Piper hates being a witch and is now examining the Book of Shadows, possibly for a way out of it.  She liked being middle-of-the-road.  Phoebe sympathises then marches proudly off to be photographed/aged/whatever.

Andy and Prue are on a lunch date having a serious chat about their relationship.  Prue decides it's not the right time for her to be in a relationship, while Andy points out that any relationship they have doesn't have to be a big deal and they can take it slow.  #HarsherInHindsight.

Piper tests herself with the church again.  Just stick a non-essential limb in, give it a go.  Piper discovers that the church doesn't burn and that this is empirical evidence that she's good (it's not).

Piper recognises her artifically-aged friend from her unusual tattoo.  We immediately cut to Prue being tested by Douche Grant and his assistant who I will refer to as Big Red.

Big Red tips a paint can on to her and Prue manages to push the stream of paint away from herself.  Since the pain is between Big Red, Douche Grant and Prue she's able to pass it off as pure luck. 

As Prue leaves the room Red and Douche reveal that they know she's a witch.  Drama!

When Prue gets home Piper reveals the articifically-aged Brittanny.  So 2/3s of the Power of Three are on board.

The final third is opening the door to a grotty warehouse when she gets a vision of herself as a Bond girl being victimised by old-guy Stefan.  My poor abs.  Clever girl, she makes a run for it but is captured by Stefan anyway.

Piper and Prue are reading the Book of Shadows which reveals that Javna spends one week each year sucking the life out of the young. The captions person figured out how to spell it, I guess.  Piper reveals that the demon was previously vanquished by the prophet Mohammed, which seems like more evidence for witches not being burned in churches unless you think Islam and Christianity schismed over that point as well.  Prue and Piper lament over not knowing who or where Javna is when Brittanny, fortunately, remembers enough to faint at seeing the address pinned to the fridge.  I never noticed before quite how much this show runs on coincidences.

Coincidentally, Andy and Daryl figure it out as well, based on surveillance footage of the first victim leaving the bar with Stefan.  The cavalry are on their way Pheebs!

Arriving at the address Piper and Prue lament over not having Phoebe with them when, at that exact moment, completely coincidentally, she screams.

Why on would Javna keep her there instead of taking her somewhere else?  I suppose it's a relatively quick process, once the tying down part is done but still.  Rookie mistake.

Javna is distracted but focuses on Prue who doesn't even try to dodge, though she is perfectly capable of grabbing a mirror when instructed.

The vanquishing spell they use, despite being identified as the Hand of Fatima as used by Mohammed, mentions the Power of 3.  Now I'm picturing Mohammed and his two buddies fighting off demons Charlie's Angels style.

I'm counting this as a Power of Three spell despite the fact that it really shouldn't be.  Dramatically Stevna is blasted into a skeleton and then into dust.  I guess it wasn't so powerful when Allah's Angels tried it.

The victim de-ages, looking very confused about it.

Andy and Daryl show up far too late and they give the excuse that they were helping Phoebe with the van (which starts first time when Andy tries it).  Andy accepts this excuse because it's been a long time since he got laid.

Phoebe greets one of the victims in the bar, who does not remember a single thing.  Surely they already know this from when they let Brittany out of their house.  Did they not even check?

The winning lottery numbers are announced but Phoebe's lottery ticket mysteriously blanks itself out at that moment.  And it is mysterious; why wait till that moment?  The numbers must have been fated at least from the time Phoebe mentioned them so why not immediately?  Is the no personal gain magic intelligent and capable of making impish judgements?  That's concerning.

Speaking of personal gain, Prue gets another dig in and my thighs hate her.  I hate lunges.

Bitching about Witching: S1E1

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