Why I Won't Be Watching X-Factor in 2009

I admit, this post has been a long time coming.

I'm not the nicest person in the world - I admit that. I watch Britain's Next Top Model and listen to the girls worry about their weight while eating ice-cream. I usually watch the X-Factor auditions just for the bad ones.

However, in 2008 the X-Factor crossed a line. It came out that the auditionees, both good and bad, go through several interviews before getting near the cameras. And, with the bad ones, it is Cowell's own team that are telling them that they're good, that they're bound to get through, before Cowell, his lapdog Louis and that-bitch-Cheryl-Cole tear them down (I won't say Dannii doesn't (or didn't) join in, but they seem to have turned on her recently).

See, when it's the person's own arrogance that is causing them to be turned down, and it's an overbearing, unpleasant ego being taken down a peg, that's one thing. But when it's a young teenage girl - and honestly, we all have those dreams - whose been massaged through those auditions merely to face public humiliation, or an old grandfather being made fun of for being on the wrong show, then it's not the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, when one could believe the contestants had it coming, that was one thing - but when the producers of the show has purposefully engineered their public humiliation, based upon their own hope - that's pretty damn low. That's how con artists work, preying on those with dreams in order to take their money - only, on the X-Factor, it's pride and dignity that's taken, and exchanged for ratings.

In 2007, Rachel (from Wales) did seem to be a very unpleasant girl. She was arrogant, conceited, and generally, yes, it was a pleasure to see her taken down a peg and cast as a witch. But, contrast that with Ariel Burdett in 2008.

Ariel, a holistic vocal coach, has a degree based around music and singing. The peice she performed was a four line composition, with each line in a different style - from pop, to jazz, to metal to stage musical.

In both cases, Cowell claimed that they couldn't sing. This was untrue. What he meant was that he didn't like them, and didn't want them going through - both were perfectly passable singers with pleasant voices. Cowell's criticisms have gone from being cruel to be kind, to being cruel to be a bitch.

In Ariel's case, she was cast as the witch because she liked metal and alternative music. Yes, she came across as slightly arrogant when it seemed she was actually going for confident and in control of the situation (on the advice of the x-factor employees she'd met before the actual televised bit). Still, she had a very powerful voice, and knew how to use it skilfully.

The X-Factor judges claimed that they'd never heard of Bullet For My Valentine - and these people claim to work in the music industry? Cowell also appeared to have a low opinion of holistic vocal coaching.

Holistic teaching involves tuning into the person's mind, body and energy - in other words, making sure they're thinking about what they're singing, using their body well, and that they're, for want of a better word, pacing themselves properly (yes, this is a very simplified version). All of those are things that Cowell has criticised auditionees for not doing well.

Ariel's audition was heavily edited - like all of them - and she was generally abused by the panel. Even on the edited version, the bouncer seemed to be following her merely to make her look like someone who needed to be escorted off the premises.

Across the internet, there seem to be two main views on Ariel - the reasonable one, who watched the clip and thought about it, and the "omg, scary metal roary witch" version that started on the X-Factor.

Basically, I'm going to be boycotting the x-factor this year because it's become a circus of human cruelty, carefully planned and staged by those who work on the show. It's dishonest, and it's cruel, and that isn't entertainment - it's closer to brainwashing.

The changes of judges over recent years hasn't helped either. Louis has always been Cowell's pet, but in Cheryl Cole, he seems to have found a very powerful ally. Both skilfully play their parts in humiliating the contestants. Cowell by being the big-I-am, and that-bitch-Cheryl-Cole by pretending to be stupidly honest, rather than just an out-and-out bitch.

I'd wonder how they sleep at night, but of course, we all already know. On a big pile of money.

That was a great line to finish on, but I do have a little more to add. One thing that everyone has lost sight of is the fact that the X-Factor is essentially a job interview. And to those who claim that this is their one big chance, and that they need it...please, don't humiliate yourselves more than the judges already have. If you're really serious, then there's a secret to success.

Want to hear it?

Go out and buy a copy of The Stage. You probably won't find it in every newsagent. Maybe you'll need to go to one of the larger branches of WHSmith, or even subscribe to it online. Or just check the listings there.

The Stage lists many, many auditions that are being held for new recording artists, among others. If you are really, really serious, then the X-Factor is not your only chance. Yes, you will get a head start, since most of the country will know your name before your first record is ever recorded, but it is not the only way. If you wanted it that badly, you'd be attending all the auditions possible, not just the one that gets you on TV. Not just the easy one. And yes, for all its faults, the X-Factor is one of the easier routes to fame.

If you wanted it that badly, you'd go to as many auditions as you qualified for. Or you'd record your own demo CDs, and pester studios until they listened to them. If you wanted it, you'd work for it - and getting on your knees for Simon Cowell isn't the only option you should consider.

Finally - and this really is finally - I'd like to end with a quote from Jimmy Carr.

"I heard that Simon Cowell spends over £500k on his personal security every year.

Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if he tried to be a little bit less of a cunt?"

Trailers (a few thoughts)

I like trailers.

The Young Victoria - Royalty is very popular these days. The Other Boleyn Girl started it, and now it's just snowballed.

Valkyrie - it doesn't look like what I'd think of as my kind of film - but I kind of want to see it anyway.

Confessions of a Shopaholic - I love the books, but, honestly, this looks like a cheap knock-off, along the lines of Angus, Thongs and the Butchered Title. They've completely changed the books, changed key roles, and just made it into something completely different. That said, I'll probably see it anyway. And Isla Fisher does look kind of how I'd always pictured Rebecca.

Role Models

The other day, I was discussing, via text message, the possibility of my going to see Role Models with a close friend of mine. He'd seen it, and described it as "LOLtastic". I replied "...oh dear", but sent him another message as I left the cinema.

"You were right."

Seann William Scott has announced his fear of typecasting in interviews. I'm afraid of him becoming typecast, too. Although he does play the Stifler kind of role really well, I've also seen him carry off different roles - Southland Tales is the one that comes to mind, although I suppose his characters in Evolution and Dude, Where's My Car? were slightly different too.

Still, Scott is a great comedic actor, and he was good in Role Models. I'm less familiar with Paul Rudd, although he and Scott worked very well together, contrasting when needed and working nicely as a double act at other times.

Another actor who should probably start to worry about typecasting is Christopher Mintz-Plasse, who plays Augie in Role Models, and is probably more familiar as Superbad's McLovin. So far, he's always played the geek, and it does suit him. But, I'd like to see him try sexy, or cool, or just not completely gauche. That would be interesting.

Role Models is literally laugh-out-loud hilarious. I especially love the dramatic conclusion (and the make-up). I think I've actually been coverted to a KISS fan by proxy.

The film's a little like Drillbit Taylor or Superbad, only not quite as cliched as either of those.

The film's rated an R in the US and a 15 in the UK, in both cases, for sex and language (the UK has slightly different attitudes towards both).

He's Just Not That Into You

For those who want to try Yuna (Hedy Burress) spotting, she's playing one of Jennifer Aniston's sisters.

I've already introduced this movie in a few other posts, so I won't bother repeating myself here. A film with eight or nine main characters was a little hard to follow, for a start. Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) goes on a date with Conor (Kevin Connolly) who is in love with Anna (Scarlet Johanssen), who is having an affair with married man Ben (Bradley Cooper), who is married to Janine (Jennifer Connelly), who works with Gigi and Beth (Jennifer Aniston), who is not-married to Neil (Ben Affleck). Conor is also working with advertising executive Mary (Drew Barrymore) to increase his real estate business while Gigi is relying on Alex (Justin Long) to remind her to ignore the "signs". If a guy is that into you, he'll be asking you out. End of.

Did I miss anyone? Probably.

The film's not a huge, fantastic drama. It's a sweet chick-flick with far too many famous faces (I spotted Hedy Burress by narrowing it down to the three people with speaking parts whose faces I didn't recognise). It's a little hard to keep track of who isn't returning whose phone-calls, but it's still generally quite enjoyable in spite of that.

The film is rated 12a in the UK or PG13 in the US. You probably could take teenagers to see it, but they most likely wouldn't get as much out of it as twenty to thirty-something women, who would seem to be the film's main audience.

It was fun. It was two hours long but didn't feel like it. And the buzzword thing wasn't nearly as irritating as it might have been, since only one character really did it, and she was barely on screen.

This isn't the best movie any of these actors have made, but it's nice. Just not really special.

Big Chef Takes On Little Chef

I've been watching the first episode of this program on 4OD and one thought has struck me so far;

Fuck off, you up-yourself git.

The Little Chef boss guy is perfectly within his rights not to discuss the profits of his business on camera, particularly after you were a rude bastard to him about the menu. Just tell him it needs to go, don't string him along. And he didn't refuse to tell you, don't lie when we've all just watched that scene. He refused to tell you on camera.

Christ, I hate that fake drama thing channel 4 does sometimes. Back to the show now.

Edit 1:

Little Chef used to work because of its classic British food, which we don't get nearly enough of. That's started to fail, mostly because of the quality. The boss guy's tried to add exotic flavours and strange recipes, such as Hawaiian hamburgers and pasta to the menu, to make it more exciting. That isn't working.

Chef guy's trying to create traditional yet delicious and unusual British recipes, to take the brand back to what it used to be. Boss guy is muttering about Blue Sky thinking and how it's not original enough.

Fucks sake. The 'blue sky thinking' approach hasn't worked so far. Why don't we try thinking outside the box, letting the lemurs run free, and returning to traditional values in food?

(I've been watching that Will & Grace Episode where Grace is taught how to do that corporate speak).

Also, boss wanker dude, send the figures already. Losing sympathy fast. Chef guy is a successful businessman and is doing you the favour.