Things Look Scarier from Three Feet High

This blog is called The Real Ratings because I don't always trust the BBFC, especially not in regards to children's films. I'm not a mother myself, but I'm an older sister, and I babysit. And, moreover, I remember what it's like to be a child, watching films, and I'm not sure that many of the classifiers do.

One simple thing should always be remembered, when deciding whether to allow children - your own or anyone else's - to watch a film. And that is that children are smaller, have much shorter concentration spans, and tend to feel things more intently.

When I was younger, watching a film used to seem like a huge commitment. Sitting still and paying attention for a whole hour and a half? That's a skill that comes with time.

When I was even younger than that, say three or four, films were an incredibly intense experience. And what I remember most about them, years later, is how scary they were. Like The Little Mermaid, for instance. My strongest memory of that film was the deep purple water during the storm at the end, when Ursula was taking revenge. And the golden signature Ariel made. That's what made the most impression on my young mind. It makes no difference that, together, they made up barely fifteen minutes of a ninety minute film - that was what I remembered.

Even worse was All Dogs Go To Heaven, which was released a year after I was born. I must have been three or four the first time I saw it.

The film was released with a G rating in America, and a U rating in the UK. This was after removing the word 'damn', cutting a few minutes from the nightmare in hell scene, and removing the shot of a car hitting the main character (a dog named Charlie B. Barkin, voiced by Burt Reynolds).

The first line of IMDB's plot summary is as follows; A dog returns from the dead looking for revenge on his killer using an orphan girl who can talk to animals.

Let me repeat that.

A dog returns from the dead looking for revenge on his killer using an orphan girl who can talk to animals.

...yeah.

There's also a crocodile, someone who is executed by being strapped to an anchor and lowered to some kind of snapping thing (possibly the same crocodile, it's been a while), begging to be released the entire way down, someone is hit by a car, and the devil comes for the hero's soul at the end.

Also, the voice actress, Judith Barsi, who voiced Anne-Marie, was shot around a year and a half before the film was released. Which isn't really relevant to how scary the plot is, but adds an extra surreal effect when watching it as an adult.

So, yeah. Childrens films are scarier to children than they are to adults. And All Dogs Go to Heaven is to children's films as Heathers was to teen movies.

Which isn't to say that I don't adore All Dogs Go to Heaven - just that it utterly terrified me, far beyond the range of what an adult might have expected.

David Walliams

Not as funny as he thinks he is, in a nutshell.

David Walliams is one of the stars and creators of TV show Little Britain, along with his partner (in comedy, not life) Matt Lucas. He was born as David Williams, but changed his name on joining actors union Equity, as they already had a David Williams on their books (incidentally, something similar happened to Michael Caine, who was born Maurice Joseph Micklewhite Jr.)

Little Britain was very successful. It made fun of various British stereotypes and archetypes, and lead to David Walliams being named in a survey as the person most British people would like to have to dinner. It also won him a host of female admirers, despite spending most of his time dressed as a woman or a man breastfeeding. This included long time stalker Sarah Bartholomew, who, admittedly, turned out to have mental health problems.

However, it seems that this success has gone to Walliams head. Taking his behaviour on 8 Out of 10 Cats as a guide, quite frankly, he's a twat. He hams it up, and behaves in a manner that is not so much funny as utterly unprofessional, especially when attempting to upstage other guests, or even the host of the show. And attractive as he is, Jimmy Carr will always be better looking (I am attracted to funny men).

However, as a runner, I do admire his swimming the English Channel and the Strait of Gibralter in order to raise money for charity. I do admire David Walliams in general, it's just his behaviour when he's not the star that bothers me.

Batman Sues Warner Bros

The original article is posted here.

In short, the mayor of a city named 'Batman' in Turkey is suing Warner Brothers, for using their name without permission. The film The Dark Knight is also being blamed for increased crime in the area.

Honestly, you'd think they'd have thought of this at some earlier point in the sixty-nine years since the creation of the Batman in question.

James Arnold Taylor

James Arnold Taylor is a voice actor, and, while perhaps not the most famous, he does have a very good range. He also sometimes dubs the work of some rather more famous actors, should they not be available.

The bio on his website is as follows;

James Arnold Taylor’s versatile vocal range has given him success in every facet of the Voice-Over Industry. He’s had lead roles in animated films such as TMNT (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), The Animatrix, Hellboy: Blood & Iron and Atlantis: Milo’s Return. On TV James has guest starred on all the hits from What’s New Scooby-Doo?, The Powerpuff Girls, and Johnny Bravo to Kim Possible, Legion of Super-Heroes, and Avatar. He also stars as Johnny in Johnny Test, Axel in A.T.O.M., Wooldoor Sockbat in Drawn Together, and most notably Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Clone Wars. James keeps busy from his home studio with promo work for networks like Fox, The CW, Spike, G4, and Game Show Network. Some of James’ most celebrated work comes from Video Games: Tidus in the Final Fantasy X series, Ratchet in the Ratchet & Clank series, Gabe in the Syphon Filter series, and numerous voices in games like Shrek, Spiderman, X-Men, Lord of the Rings, and Pirates of the Caribbean to name a few. A unique aspect of James’ work is Voice-Doubling. When big time celebrities aren’t available to do their own voice, James seamlessly fills in: David Spade, Michael J. Fox, Billy Bob Thornton, Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Nicolas Cage, Johnny Depp, and the list goes on. James’ greatest honor is following in the footsteps of greats Alan Reed and Henry Corden by providing the voice of the cartoon icon Fred Flintstone.

Speaking of his website, it's awesome. Seriously, go take a look. The first page will display examples of voiceovers when you roll over the characters.

Drawn Together

Drawn Together is a series, originally released in 2004, which lampoons reality TV shows like Big Brother. The essentially premise is that several characters, from a variety of different styles of animated TV shows, have been 'drawn together' into one house, and forced to live there, in harmony, or some approximation of it.

The main characters are;

• Princess Clara, voiced by Tara Strong, inspired by the Disney Princesses.
  
• Toot, also voiced by Tara Strong (Tara Strong happens to be the actress who's played the most voice-over roles, including Rikku in Final Fantasy X and X-2), inspired by Betty Boop.
  
• Captain Hero, voiced by Jess Harnell (who played Doctor Finklestein in Kingdom Hearts), inspired by all those super hero TV shows.
  
• Foxxy Love, voiced by Cree Summer (Lenne and Belgemine in Final Fantasy X and X-2), a black, mystery-solving musician, inspired by Scooby Doo and Josie and the Pussycats.
  
• Waldor Sockbat, voiced by James Arnold Taylor (Tidus, from Final Fantasy X and X-2, among others), inspired by such cartoons as (ugh) Spongebob Squarepants.
  
• Ling-Ling, a Japanese Battle Monster, inspired by Pokemon and voiced by Abbey McBride (newcomer to the field).
  
• Xander P. Wifflebottom, a gay RPG hero, loosely inspired by Link, and voiced by Jack Plotnick (another newcomer).
  
• Spanky Ham, voiced by Adam Carolla (Death on Family Guy, among many, many others). A parody of internet Flash Cartoon characters.

The show is hilarious. In terms of obscenity, it ranks somewhere between South Park and The Simpsons (only less stale than the latter). Unfortunately, the three seasons are now complete, but there are rumours of a film, to be released in 2009. Fingers crossed.

Bridge to Terabithia

I think I'm in love with a twelve-year-old.

Not in a kinky way. But AnnaSophia Robb's portrayal of Leslie Burke in Bridge to Terabithia is eminently lovable - all you want to do is protect her, and hope that she stays happy forever and ever. It's clear why her parents are so happy. She seems luminescent almost, lit by an inner glow. Almost intangible, at times.

Inducing that kind of emotion from the audience is perfect for this character, and makes the film far more powerful. Good for her. It also made the twist far more painful.




Generally speaking, Bridge to Terabithia is quite suitable for the PG audience it is designed for - until the last twenty or thirty minutes. I don't want to give the ending away, but very, very sad things happen, that had me in tears, nevermind an eight-year-old. To be quite fair, I also cry at Casper the Friendly Ghost, but this was more upsetting.

The trailer also misrepresents the film slightly. It seems like a Narnia or Harry Potter copy, about two children who find themselves in a magical world. That's not exactly the case, and this may be why it took me over a year to get around to watching the film. It's about the friendship between two children, and the imaginary world they create together - and how this gives them the strength to cope with things in the real world.

This one's going on my DVD list (incidentally, the DVD has a bunch of extras, including two sets of commentaries). And I've already reserved a copy of the book from my library.

Of Cinema Tickets, Downloading and DVDs

I watch a lot of movies. That may or may not be obvious.

Mostly, I watch films at the cinema. I have an Unlimited card, which is actually a pretty good deal. £11.99 a month, and I can see as many movies as I like for free. Considering that, some weeks, I watch three or four, and the prices range from £4 to £7.80 (3D movie, Saturday evening), they're definitely making a loss on this deal.

I really like going to the cinema. It doesn't have the strange feeling of a special event any more, but it's a nice place, and I know my local cinema as intimately as one can who doesn't work there. It's nice. I like the smell of popcorn (although I never buy any), I like the trailers (although I avoid the first ten minutes of adverts as often as possible), and I like the fact that it's on my way home from work, or ten minutes away from here by bus.

That 'on the way home from work' thing isn't as helpful as you might think. I work odd hours, which mean that I cannot see films, on days when I'm working, which start after 11:30am or before 10pm. This limits my options somewhat. Fortunately, sometimes I have three or four days off in a row, which allows me to get my fix of movies (although I am fully capable of watching three in one day).

I don't just watch new films; I also rent films and, more often, TV series. I have an account with LoveFilm if anyone's wondering. Might not be the best deal out there, but I like them, and they tend to be punctual and helpful. Only problem with their site is the fact that it can be a little tricky to move movies from one list to another when you have as many on there as I do (341 at last count). You have to dig right through the list to find it - if you use the search function, it will tell you that it's on your list, but won't allow you to move it to another one. But, to be fair, the list feature in general is excellent.

My collection of DVDs is relatively small, which may be surprising. I have a long list of DVDs that I want to own, but I rarely get around to buying them (Waterstones is right next to HMV, and it always distracts me on the way there). I have a few unusual things that I really love, like the first season of the Twilight Zone and the two animated series' of Discworld, and a few foreign films, which are difficult to find to rent, but I would say that I don't own more than twenty or so DVDs. I rarely download movies either - the last one would be Flower Drum Song, which I can't find to rent or buy anywhere (except as a region 1 disc, which wouldn't play on my PS2). I also download the odd foreign film which has no plans for a European release. Generally speaking, though, I prefer to rent, buy, or watch films at the cinema. I just think they seem more special that way.

I am sorely tempted to break this personal guideline in certain other cases, though. Like for A Muppet Christmas Carol. Although the VHS version, which I owned as a child, has the full movie, all DVD releases have a key scene missing. I refuse to buy a dvd with part of the film missing, but my VCR is long gone, and I have a tradition of watching the movie every Christmas.

Bartelmy