Bitching About Witching: Charmed S1E2

So Piper got the job but has now been left in charge and is doubting her own abilities.  Phoebe has a vision that a guy is about to come over; most pointless vision ever.

Piper's friend - who we have never heard of before she popped up in the bar a minute ago - is being murdered in the carpark.  Well that was short-lived.

We rapidly head over to Prue who is leaving a naked Andy in bed.  Shame really.

The credits are still wrong.

Piper's watching a documentary about the Salem Witch trials.  Well, that's original.  The Sabrina Salem episode was pretty good.

Both Phoebe and Prue got laid last night.  This is worthy of sisterly teasing, and worry over whether one night stands will put them in danger from warlocks.

I've decided to do a TV workout to this episode.  I can only find one for series 2 and one for later episodes, so here's a version of the latter adjusted for season 1;

...and since Prue has moved something, Phoebe has had the most pointless vision ever, and Piper warned Phoebe about personal gain from said stupid vision, I have some work to do.  Oh, and an innocent died.  Brb.

Okay, done.  Now back to our scheduled viewing!

Piper's talking to a priest about being able to walk into a church.  Because of course all Americans are Christians.  Spoiler, later on she walks into the church safely.  Because being evil is about what you choose to do, not what you're born with.

Prue and Andy are now having a chat about their sex life while Prue is in a crowded lift, already running late.  Great timing, Andy.  The guys in the lift laugh at Prue, so she uses her powers to prevent the lift stopping at any other floors so I need to do another ten push ups.

How is she doing that?  I guess holding the door closed would force it to just keep moving up but surely there'd be a moment while the lift tried to open the door at each floor?  Is she doing something to the wiring?  How does Prue know how to do that?

Phoebe gets hit on by a photographer and Piper begs her to help with a delivery.

Prue is being interviewed for a job she didn't apply for and for which they are eager to hire her despite an insulting reference from that dick Roger.  This isn't suspicious at all.  Isn't it a good thing that demons only try to get close to witches by sleeping with them?  The boss is British and Hugh Grant-y; must be evil, all the British are (I am British).

Behind a jump cut Stefan the photographer reveals that he is a demon named Jonah (though I swear he pronounces it 'Javnah') and sucks the youth right out of some poor B-movie horror actress.  Then he morphs back into his Stefan form just in case we missed it.

Again what is the mechanism here?  Can he only use the powers while in his 'ugly aged demon' form?  Does he simply lose his youth very rapidly, aging fifty years over 3-4 hours?  Perhaps we'll find out later.  Both sound inconvenient.

Back with Douche Grant Prue has decided she is, in fact, going to go for the job.

Piper and Phoebe are discussing Prue's sex life again.  Piper has never slept with anyone on the first date and is shocked that Phoebe has.  Has she met Phoebe?

Piper has another chat with the priest.  I'd forgotten how nervy she was before she became the eldest.

For gods sake Piper, think it through.  If Christianity burned witches why would Grams have sent you to Sunday school?  Was she weirdly absent from church herself during that time and you somehow didn't notice for years?

The priest recites the verse from Exodus about not suffering a witch to live.  I bet he doesn't eat shellfish or mix fabrics either.

Phoebe has another vision, this time about winning lottery numbers.  She tells them to an old couple who've just told her they're going to lose their house if they don't win - perhaps they hang around that stand all the time hoping for a kind young psychic to come along?  Phoebe buys a lottery ticket for herself too; I sense another five lunges in my future.

Oh it turns out the innnocent from the beginning didn't die.  I'm going to count it anyway, which I guess means I now have to do another thirty jumping jacks for the second victim.  Stefan/Jonah, Javnah is hungry; he's up to a victim a day at this point.  How has he not been caught; is it exponential ageing he's going through and we're now in the danger zone?

Andy decides to leave a stake out to follow Prue into Quake (the restaurant Piper is now unwillingly running).

Stefan is getting visibly older while on his date with Phoebe.  Why aren't her visions warning her about that?  Prue gives Pheobe her ticking off about personal gain right before Andy barges in to talk to her and Piper freezes everyone. Cool, a new exercise for me.  They learn that freezing doesn't work on witches and only works on the room Piper's in.  Useful!

Daryl is coming in to drag Andy back to his stake out.  Prue fails at distracting him but luckily everyone unfreezes as soon as he walks in.

Piper hates being a witch and is now examining the Book of Shadows, possibly for a way out of it.  She liked being middle-of-the-road.  Phoebe sympathises then marches proudly off to be photographed/aged/whatever.

Andy and Prue are on a lunch date having a serious chat about their relationship.  Prue decides it's not the right time for her to be in a relationship, while Andy points out that any relationship they have doesn't have to be a big deal and they can take it slow.  #HarsherInHindsight.

Piper tests herself with the church again.  Just stick a non-essential limb in, give it a go.  Piper discovers that the church doesn't burn and that this is empirical evidence that she's good (it's not).

Piper recognises her artifically-aged friend from her unusual tattoo.  We immediately cut to Prue being tested by Douche Grant and his assistant who I will refer to as Big Red.

Big Red tips a paint can on to her and Prue manages to push the stream of paint away from herself.  Since the pain is between Big Red, Douche Grant and Prue she's able to pass it off as pure luck. 

As Prue leaves the room Red and Douche reveal that they know she's a witch.  Drama!

When Prue gets home Piper reveals the articifically-aged Brittanny.  So 2/3s of the Power of Three are on board.

The final third is opening the door to a grotty warehouse when she gets a vision of herself as a Bond girl being victimised by old-guy Stefan.  My poor abs.  Clever girl, she makes a run for it but is captured by Stefan anyway.

Piper and Prue are reading the Book of Shadows which reveals that Javna spends one week each year sucking the life out of the young. The captions person figured out how to spell it, I guess.  Piper reveals that the demon was previously vanquished by the prophet Mohammed, which seems like more evidence for witches not being burned in churches unless you think Islam and Christianity schismed over that point as well.  Prue and Piper lament over not knowing who or where Javna is when Brittanny, fortunately, remembers enough to faint at seeing the address pinned to the fridge.  I never noticed before quite how much this show runs on coincidences.

Coincidentally, Andy and Daryl figure it out as well, based on surveillance footage of the first victim leaving the bar with Stefan.  The cavalry are on their way Pheebs!

Arriving at the address Piper and Prue lament over not having Phoebe with them when, at that exact moment, completely coincidentally, she screams.

Why on would Javna keep her there instead of taking her somewhere else?  I suppose it's a relatively quick process, once the tying down part is done but still.  Rookie mistake.

Javna is distracted but focuses on Prue who doesn't even try to dodge, though she is perfectly capable of grabbing a mirror when instructed.

The vanquishing spell they use, despite being identified as the Hand of Fatima as used by Mohammed, mentions the Power of 3.  Now I'm picturing Mohammed and his two buddies fighting off demons Charlie's Angels style.

I'm counting this as a Power of Three spell despite the fact that it really shouldn't be.  Dramatically Stevna is blasted into a skeleton and then into dust.  I guess it wasn't so powerful when Allah's Angels tried it.

The victim de-ages, looking very confused about it.

Andy and Daryl show up far too late and they give the excuse that they were helping Phoebe with the van (which starts first time when Andy tries it).  Andy accepts this excuse because it's been a long time since he got laid.

Phoebe greets one of the victims in the bar, who does not remember a single thing.  Surely they already know this from when they let Brittany out of their house.  Did they not even check?

The winning lottery numbers are announced but Phoebe's lottery ticket mysteriously blanks itself out at that moment.  And it is mysterious; why wait till that moment?  The numbers must have been fated at least from the time Phoebe mentioned them so why not immediately?  Is the no personal gain magic intelligent and capable of making impish judgements?  That's concerning.

Speaking of personal gain, Prue gets another dig in and my thighs hate her.  I hate lunges.

Bitching about Witching: S1E1

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Boxing Helena

Surgeon, Nick Cavanaugh has been taught from a young age, that with hard work and persistence, he can have anything he desires.  However, what, or rather, who, he desires is Helena, a model who does not return his affections.

After one night with her, he becomes obsessive, and when she finally attends a party he holds at his former family home, which he has recently come into possession of, due to the death of his mother, he feels that all his dreams have come true.  This idea is crushed, however, when she leaves early, with one of his (male) friends.  The next day, she calls him to ask him to return her purse to her at the airport, where she's waiting to catch a plane.  However, due to a missing address book, she returns to his home with him to search for it.  While leaving she is hit by a car, which is where the main body of the film begins.

Nick helps Helena into his home, and operates on her alone.  He removes her legs, apparently unnecessarily, essentially trapping her.  From here, the film becomes a battle of wills between the two protagonists, Nick and Helena, underscored by the themes of Nick's apparent rejection and obsession with his mother - who bears a startling resemblance to Helena - and the Venus De Milo.

Helena (Sherilyn Fenn), the titular character is beautiful, and she definitely knows it.  She seems to enjoy her power, and never doubts it, even during her darkest moments.  Even after the accent, when she is rendered a prisoner by her loss of mobility, she rarely expresses regret at the loss of her beauty - only one comment, as I noticed - seeming to regret the loss of her mobility more, while being aware that is still as beautiful as she ever was.  Although I have no idea if this was a conscious effect or not, the idea of a wheelchair bound character remaining strong-willed, beautiful, and, in many ways, still in control was fairly cheering.

Helena toys with men, and often plays with fire, teasing and emasculating men physically stronger than her, in the sure knowledge that she is untouchable.  In this assumption, she is clearly wrong.

Nick (Julian Sands) is definitely a troubled man.  Although clearly strong and competent - he's Cheif Surgeon of a hospital, comes from a wealthy family, has a loving girlfriend, and keeps his rather attractive body in shape - he is insecure enough that the self-possessed Helena finds it easy to get to him.  His obsession with her, and, in general, his relationships with women effectively emasculate him, despite everything else.  Somewhat admirably, he does manage to stand up to Helena's games, although he never attains the self-control she does.

As mentioned, much of the film consists of the power-play between the two.  Clearly, at first the power is with Helena; Nick's obsession with her effectively controls his life, leaving no part of it untouched.  Even after the loss of her legs, Helena remains in control of him - after she tells him that she wishes he were dead, he holds a gun to his head, and asks her if that's what she really wants.  Her submission is one of the key points of the film, signalling the first time she acknowledges her dependence on him.  Nick isn't under her thumb all of the time, however; he makes it clear that she is dependant on him for all her needs, although the fact that she has driven him to it makes it arguable how in-control he is.

Jennifer Chambers Lynch's debut at directing, Boxing Helena does show some skill.  There are several effective moments of confusion, which are done very well, when the audience is not sure of what's happening in the film for a few moments, until something suddenly clicks.  Most films don't pull this off well, but Boxing Helena does so perfectly.  This is slightly let down by the ending, which seems almost like an easy-out  from the film.  However, on second thought, the ending does explain several parts of the plot, which don't gel together entirely well, although they do nothing about the unexplained plot hole.

The visuals of the film are rather good - Nick's home, and the clothes in the film are all very glamorous and complement Fenn's look - reminiscent of a 1920's silent film actress, almost - perfectly.  Sands upper-class English accent also matches this theme.

There's almost a feeling of timelessness in Nick's home, where much of the film takes place.  That's interesting, as, as well as the place where he remembers his mother from, it's also the place where he tries to trap Helena; it could almost be interpreted as him trying to create his own world, replacing his childhood obsession with his preoccupied mother with his love for Helena.  He seems to be retreating from the world, and the static state of his home underlines that.

Another item of interest, is the somewhat accurate, in my opinion, portrayal of a stalker, Nick's obsession with Helena.  It's believable that he'd do anything to keep her, and that's downright scary at times.

The use of the symbolic Venus De Milo throughout the film is also worth noting.  The statue is shown at various points in the film, certain differences from it's normal anatomy foreshadowing the changes to Helena.

In summary, Boxing Helena is an interesting portrayal of obsession and desire, with a slightly disappointing ending.  However, lots of naked women, and some interesting power-plays make up for it. 

Bicentennial Man

I have seen this film quite a few times in the last few years, and every time I take something new from it.

Loosely based on the short story by Isaac Asimov, Bicentennial Man is set in "the near future" (the actual date given for the start of the film is April 1st, 2005, which dates it slightly), and follows the story of Andrew Martin, a robot.  In this imagined 'future', androids as servants are commonplace; what is unusual about Andrew, however, is that he begins to display traits such as curiosity and creativity which are considered abnormal when experienced in machines.  Andrew's owner, when releasing the uniqueness of his belonging plays Henry Higgens to the robot's Eliza Doolittle and teaches him about humanity, almost as a project it seems.  His youngest daughter, known as little miss, also becomes close to Andrew (it was, in fact, she that gave him his name, through being unable to pronounce 'android').  The elder daughter and wife are unable to accept a robot as a human - a key scene near the beginning of the film contains an argument about whether Andrew should receive money from the sale of the clocks he learns to build.  While little miss cannot understand why Andrew should not receive the rewards of his skill and work, her mother is equally unable to understand why a machine should be paid for the work it does.

As the film progresses, Andrew learns more and more about humanity, as he watches his family grow and develop, and as he learns more and more himself.  This film is oddly humorous at times, although not in an obvious way; the humour derives from Andrew's attempts to understand the idiosyncrasies of humanity, and his unique way of looking at things.  Eventually Andrew requests his independence - not because he wishes to leave his family, but because he wishes to be more than property.  Hurt by this, his owner grants him his freedom, but tells him that he cannot stay with the family - he must make his own way in the world.  Thus Andrew sets out on a quest to find out if he truly is the only one of his kind, torn between humanity and machinery. 

Robin Williams plays Andrew extraordinarily well.  Although, as I have said, this film is humorous, for once Williams is not playing a comical character.  Andrew's quaint way of viewing things humanity takes for granted, and several lines in the film have a very intelligent humour to them, rather than the almost slapstick humour Williams is famed for.  The character of Andrew is shown over two hundred years, and Williams portrays him growing and changing in a very believable manner.  Andrew progresses from being unable to understand human phrases unless they are perfectly grammatical and logical to being able to read the expressions, body language and small nuances that people take for granted to communicate. 

Embeth Davidtz who plays both little miss and her look-alike granddaughter, Portia, is also fantastic.  She manages to keep the two distinct roles unique, despite the many similarities in the roles the two characters play.  As a matter of fact, all of the actors are amazing.  Each one contributes perfectly to the storyline of the film, and I could not detect a single moment that seemed forced, out of character, or just plain wooden.  Since the film takes place over two hundred years, all of the characters age, and the make up effects used for this are extraordinary.  Unlike in I-Robot, another Asimov inspired robot film, no CGI is used, or at least, none that is detectable.  Still, the film persists in being visually stunning, and rather than being dated is merely presented in an ageless style, much like Mona Lisa Smile.

As Andrew learns what humanity means, and what being a robot truly means, he is forced to make more and more decisions. his eventual decision - in fact all of the films many events and decisions - are presented in such a way as to be perfectly understandable, although the film manages not to spell things out or patronise the audience.  The use of the instrumental "Then you look at me" (the vocal version, performed by Celine Dion only being played over the end credits) at poignant moments is very effective, and the sheer beauty of the music only adds to the tragedy and wonder of such moments.  This film, although it does have happy moments, also has it's share of tragedy; a part of the immortality of being a robot is seeing humans die.

The ending is amazing, and, although normally I begin predicting the end of a film about halfway through, as I recall, when watching this for the first time I was far too absorbed to even think about it.

This film is fairly long, although not at all drawn out, and is more serious than most, although it's still funny and enjoyable.  I don't imagine it will be to everyone's taste, but I do feel that if you give it a chance, you won't be disappointed.

Before Sunset

After their one night together, nine years before, Celine (Julie Delpy) and Jesse (Ethan Hawke) haven't seen each other.  Until, that is, Jesse writes a book about their experience.  Hearing about it, Celine tracks him down to his final book-signing, coincidentally at her favourite bookstore in Paris where she now lives.

With time to kill until Jesse needs to catch his plane, the two decide to walk through Paris, as they did in Vienna almost a decade before.

Hawke and Delpy reprise their characters from nine years before.  Jesse, the American, who was once a wandering romantic, has grown into a family man.  Married, with a four year old son, he appears to have hung up his leather jacket and turned into a homemaker.  However, throughout his conversation with Celine, it becomes clear that he isn't happy;  After losing Celine, and various other events, he decided that since romance hadn't worked, and since his girlfriend was pregnant, he should maybe try the settling down thing.  It doesn't seem to be working out for him.

Celine's gone almost the same way, turning into a serial monogamist.  Although she doesn't seem particularly enamoured with her current boyfriend, she claims she loves him.

The two characters begin talking politely, as old friends.  This soon deepens into something resembling their relationship in the previous film, changed slightly by their differing ages and experiences.  They walk, and talk as they did before, and talk about what's happened since they last met.

Their relationship shifts again, however, as they talk more, and begin to admit what each other meant, despite the little interaction their two lives have had.  It soon becomes apparent that they've been closer than they thought - for several years, they lived in the same city, streets away from each other.  Jesse tells Celine that he thought he saw her on his wedding day -  a quick recap of their varying locations reveals that it may well have been her.

In many ways, the film's about second chances, and how little things can change the course of someones life.  It also seems to be about how, if somethings meant to be, it's meant to be, although that might just be my romantic interpretation.

Plotwise, not much happens in the film.  The two characters walk and talk, for the hour and half or so that the film lasts.  The time which passes onscreen is almost identical to that which passes off-screen - in other words, the action takes place in real time.

The important events aren't in what happens in the film, but in what happens within the own characters mind.  At the beginning, Jesse was hoping to see Celine, to see what would happen, perhaps.  He admits that he often thought that, if they had managed to meet, his whole life could have been different.  Celine is more guarded than he is, but when she drops that guard and starts to think about how, maybe her life could be different, it's a dramatic change.

In short, once more, the important part of the film is in the relationship between the characters, and once again Hawke and Delpy play their parts to perfection.  Hawke and Delpy are credited, along with director Richard Linklater as scriptwriters, which implies, as suspected, that they ad-libbed much of their conversation.

This film also takes place nine years from the prequel, in time passed onscreen and off.  The actors have aged naturally, and, to be honest, it's a little disappointing how quickly Ethan Hawke aged.  He's not unattractive, don't get me wrong - I just preferred him when he was in his early twenties, with that sexy jacket.  Delpy still looks just as gorgeous as ever, though.

Paris is a beautiful city - the characters comment on the architecture, at one point - although it isn't used much in this film.  It makes a nice backdrop to the plot, though.

In summary, although Before Sunset can drag a little at times, the whole thing passes much faster than you'd think, almost like a real conversation with a loved one.  If the cliff-hanger ending of Sunrise drove you crazy, then this film more than makes up for it.

Before Sunrise

On a train in Europe, Jesse (Ethan Hawke), an American who is about to catch the plane from Vienna back to America the next day, and Celine (Julie Delpy), a Parisian who is returning home after visiting her grandmother, meet and begin talking.

As the train nears Vienna, Jesse and Celine prepare to say goodbye.  However, at the last minute, Jesse returns, and, implores Celine to get off the train with him.  Explaining that his plane doesn't leave until the following morning, and that he can't afford a hotel, and merely planned to walk around all night, he tells her that he feels they have a strong connection and the time would pass much quicker if he could talk to her, and get to know her more.  Feeling the same, Celine agrees, and the two spend the night walking around Vienna, discussing everything and anything.  Knowing that they must part in the morning, they reveal more of themselves than they usually would.

Essentially, this is the entire plot of the film.  Due to the short time frame - the film spans maybe nine hours total, at least four hours of which the characters spend asleep - every little gesture and word is magnified.  Every phrase the characters utter has a purpose - to show their developing relationship, and to give insight into their backgrounds.

Jesse, the American, is dark-haired, blue-eyed and, really, astonishingly good-looking.  He's fairly open to new experiences, which is obvious because without that trait the film wouldn't have begun.  He later explains that his mother and father had a lot of troubles in their relationship, and that he's been told he was an accident.  Celine sympathizes, but he then goes on to explain that this makes him feel free - the fact that he isn't meant to exist, in a way, means he can do anything he wants; the world is full of possibilities.

In many ways, Jesse comes across as a cynic, while Celine is more likely to believe the best of people.  This is particularly obvious when they meet a palm-reader, and in the scene where a wandering poet tells them to give him a random word; he'll fit it into a poem, and if they like it, they can pay what they think it's worth.  Celine loves the poem, but Jesse feels compelled to point out that, in his opinion, the poet probably had one or two stock poems, into which he fitted the required word, rather than writing each one as an original.  However, he soon drops the subject, and allows Celine to have her delight in it.

It soon becomes apparent that at heart, Jesse is a romantic, but he's been hurt - or rather not hurt, nothing so dramatic; more let down - by events and people in his past, to such an extent that he's built up a cynical shell.  However, he's still brave enough to put himself out there and take chances (as becomes apparent in the sequel, which I'll try to avoid mentioning from now on).

Celine, the blond Parisian looks, as Jesse observes, rather stunningly like a Boticelli angel.  She's not as cynical as Jesse, and comes across as more spiritual.  At one point, she shows him a graveyard in Vienna, where all the bodies found in the river end up; specifically she shows him the grave of a young girl, Elizabeth, who died at age thirteen.  When Celine first saw the grave, she was also thirteen, and that struck a chord with her.

Celine's also a little more kooky than Jesse - she inspires a game where they each pretend to phone a friend to tell them about this strange person they met on a train.

The relationship between the two characters is what really makes the story grow, and the two actors play their parts amazingly well.  The on-screen chemistry between them is amazing - all the tiny little gestures, and words.  The dialogue in the film seems almost ad-libbed, it's so easy and natural.  The image of these two people getting to know each other seems entirely plausible, and so believable.  There's one scene, near the beginning, where the two characters are in a booth in a record store, listening to a song.  It's about love, and although neither says anything, you can see in their movements and glances that they are both thinking about their feelings, and the lyrics to the song.  They're both pretending that they're not thinking that the song is about them, and the awkwardness of their actions only make the scene more realistic and sweet.

The film is very focused on the two lead characters, and the camera angles and amount of close-ups used reflect that.  Although the dialogue is important to the film, the moments of silence, where thoughts are shown through gestures alone are really effective.  The amounts of other languages used in the film - for instance, the first words are in German - make it feel really European, and again add to the realism.  These phrases aren't translated, which puts us in Jesse's shoes, almost - he only speaks English.

In summary, the film is definitely unusual.  The characters are sweet and endearing, and you really want their relationship to end well.  The film ends on a cliff hanger, and although the nine year wait for a sequel must have frustrated quite a few people, watching it in retrospective means I can see the sequel immediately, as I certainly plan to after watching this.

All in all, it's a film about love, and about people, and I'm afraid, if you're not interested in those subjects you won't like it.  Although parts of it steal from cliches, that only makes it better.  Before Sunrise is one of very few films to be rated 100% fresh on popular review site, Rotten Tomatoes.  In other words, no-one has ever reviewed it badly, a fact that speaks for itself. 

American Pie: Band Camp

To be honest, it seems like the American Pie franchise is being milked for all it's worth.  The first one was a classic, the second one was good in it's own way, the third one was [i]really[/i] pushing it...yet, surprisingly, the fourth one is pretty good.

Stifler's little brother, Matt, is all grown up and attempting to follow in his brother's footsteps.  After a prank, he's punished by being sent to Band Camp, otherwise known as Geek central.  However, remembering his brother's friend Jim's bandee nympho wife, Michelle, Matt realises that band geeks have a hell of a lot of sex.  So, being a Stifler, he decides to secretly film it.

The plot is basically that of a teenage fantasy.  The plot relies on a series of strange co-incidences and unlikely and unbelievable twists, and ends with the normal, romantic happy ending.  There's the miss-understandings, mixed messages, mistakes which are then forgiven after a grand romantic gesture, and a change of heart which makes the a-type bad boy into a nice guy for his special girl.  The word *bleep*, along with many other words (which would undoubtedly also be *bleep*ed out if I actually wrote them) are spammed almost to the point of annoyance, and the sexual jokes are even more abundant than in the previous films.

Nonetheless, the film is undoubtedly hilarious, and the actors aren't disappointing.  Very few of the original characters are in this film.  The Sherminator is back, as a very strange guidance counsellor, and Jim's dad appears, this time as the camp counsellor.

All in all, it's a pretty good, swear and sex filled teen movie, but it doesn't even come close to the original film, or even the first sequel.  Nonetheless, it's sweet, even if the female lead does resemble a  walking lollipop (her body is too slim for her head - those actresses both scare me and make me feel inadequate.).